October 23rd
Just listening to this one guy's CD, Laine. Yay, someone I know who's in a band, that's NOT a garage band.... sweet. His CD is called "My Catharsis" Not exactly sure what it means but, it's still a good CD. He has about the same taste in music as me, but a little bit more diversified within the later 80's and 90's.
Music - "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zepplin
October 29th
On Holloween, this one other tutor, Matt, he came in and showed off his costume. I'm going to try and get a picture of it if I can today. He dressed up as the Burger King-King. Complete with mask (only thing he bought), crown, tights, kilt/skirt thingy, cape, gold chains, silver platter and sandwich. He spent a week making it, pretty much completely from scratch.
I stayed after to tutor some more people, just for fun, didn't feel like going home. Eventually, I had to go home because I was starving. So I ate, and then I wanted to go outside since it was unbelieveably warm outside compared to the rest of the week. And yes, lucky me, it rained too, and I love rain! So, I went over Adam's and convinced him to go outside. Well, it took just a little convincing really. We walked around his backyard for a bit, it seemed way smaller than I remembered. Loser doesn't remember who Diana is.... and her racist comments against Chris... bum. Then we took a stroll through the rain to BlueDragon (no reason why there, good as place as any). Then back up though his old elementary school, and back to his house. Holloween ended up being better than I was expected. Especially since I was in a really crappy mood and I meant to keep it though the holiday :-). Oh well...
Music - "Poison" by Alice Cooper
"Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey
"Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake
October 31st
P.S. - HTML is really pissing me off... (Fixed it, Hate the <P> tag, Love the <DIV> tag)Went to see some bull for Hanson at Macomb. I missed their concent unfortunately... I was too busy gnawing off my arm and couldn't be disturbed. Later after work, I went to the Q&A shit with 2 buddies. Had some fun with Holly and Laine. We did some heckling. Heckling's suprisingly fun to do. He he... There was alot of mind-numbingly boring questions. There was this one thing though. On the way there, we were making fun of them turning out like Danny Bonaduce and in the film they showed, out of no where, his face just appeared and we laughed our asses off. Too bad by the end we were so bored we couldn't even act all that mean. These two transvestites almost were worse than us, but we showed them!
Hell of a storm tonight too, seems almost appropriate (for a different reason, Hanson re-apearing on Earth does not constitute the End of the World). Not feeling all that good because of it either. I should enjoy it but I can't.
Damn... I think I seriously broke my speakers today. I really overdid it. My miraculously-healing speakers aren't healing themselves anymore... :-(. Why does music have to be so cool when it's so loud?
Music - "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia
"Have a Nice Day" by Bon Jovi
November 8th
Yippy! Two things I never thought would happen, in 1 day! My first panic attack, and one other thing....
I now know why things were the way they were. Just needed to experience it to understand why. It's so obvious to see now. I feel almost stupid for getting all worked up by it. It's disturbing how something like that can change how you feel so dramaticly in such a short amount of time. Ciao.
Morning of November 14th
Beautiful weather tonight. I even almost got caught up in a tornado. A bit more than I hoped for, a good suprise as of recently. It certainly did me well. I feel a bit like I did a loong time ago. I'm writing like it at least. I finally see some similarities with this and how I wrote then. Maybe it's because I can read it a bit more clearly now, I'm not sure.
Music - "The Boys of Summer" by Don Henley
November 15th
I just keep on spiraling down the same black hole over and over.
Max Payne - "The genius of the hole: no matter how much time you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant"
Music - "Hotel California" by The Eagles
November 28th
From what I've seen is that the McDonalds products cause people to grow asses 2-4 times the width of their bodies. Thanks to all of those growth hormones, antibiotics and chemicals they put into their meat, it's making people's asses grow to 4 times their normal size. Nearly every single employee there, even if they weren't fat, had the ass of horse. Once you start looking like a human pyramid alone when you sit down, it's time to put down the Mc-burger...
December 2nd
Movies of the Moment - "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," "Serendipity" and "What Dreams May Come"
How did it happen that I would somehow watch all three of these movies on the same day?! And on top of that I just had to go to church... Of all days, Sunday, and I just haaad to go... Well thanks to Mico, I got to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" I just couldn't pass up a chance to watch it. I haven't seen it in such a long time and it just put such a smile on my face. Every few minutes I was either laughing or smiling or something and it felt so nice. I know, I know, "Gee, smiling!? How could that ever feel good???" Whatever, Piss off. Still, it's a good movie to think about and that's where I am now.
Music - "Hotel California" by The Eagles
December 4th
Happiness? Part 1
Great day today, really great! The non-sacrcastic, non-fucking around 'great'! Tonight I think I'll go back to my: 'extremely long and descriptive version' of posting. *Ahem* ...
Well, I woke up around 8am today, but as usual I felt like laying in bed for "just a few minutes" I succeeded for a little bit, till I passed out and fell asleep again. Then I woke up and checked my watch to see if I was late yet... Nope, still had 10 minutes till I should be in my car, driving like a maniac, trying to get to school on time, think I'll rest my eyes a bit more, ahhhh... So, I woke up a few minutes later and jumped into the shower. I checked my watch and saw that during my semi-unconcious state earlier I was still an hour early for being late. So I took my time and showered for an hour like usual.
See, last night I was out till around midnight, doing chemistry homework with this one lady. After they kicked us out of Macomb that is for being there for too long (damn SoB's). We then went to Kinko's and finished our work there. It was somewhere on Gratiot and 12ish... See, I'm saying 12ish, because "supposely" it's supposed to be an easy drive there and back... Well, after I left, I tried to follow the lady's "simple" directions on how to get home, and ended up being lost for about an hour. I drove down what seemed like perfectly good roads that turned to crap around 16 mile... I'll post a picture with my driving route soon...
After a bit of spacing out in the shower I got dressed and ran downstairs. I was nearing the "driving franticly to get there not-late" time so I just packed up a few tangerines and other orange-like foods and booked to school.
The drive there was uneventful... sorry, no one killed, maimed, or anything like that.
Linear Algebra wasn't that bad. Missed the last class and the teacher got pissed and gave everyone 20 extra credit points for just being there, just to piss me off... love that guy. Talked with Rich, Matt and Charlie as usual. Mr. Musallam was spouting something about linear transformations, ortho-diagnolizing of subspaces and rotating elipses in an orthogonal plane... yada yada yada... Don't worry, it's some bullshit 99.99999999999799999959999998% of the general populus doesn't give a rats ass about. But luckily he doesn't make it boring, and that's a huge plus. Taking Calculus III with him next semester will be great. Luckily he post-poned the due date of our latest homework assignment. We worked on it for a few hours on Friday and Saturday, and it still wasn't done. We completely forgot about the last chapter. Well, we still had to finish our homework so Rich said he'd come around 5 today to finish it.
We left class and I went to the Learning Center to check out a few things. Today, ended up being the staff party they told me about. I thought it was supposed to be on Thursday but I guess I was wrong. Heh, glad I didn't write my name down that I was going to bring chips... Well, to shorten this up a little bit... We had: Chips and Crackers and Honey Glazed Hams and Fried Chicken and Dip and Brownies and Buffalo Wild Wings and Pita and Tabuli and Pizzas and Soups and Candies and Candy Canes and Chocolates and Popcorn Cake Thingies and Cookies and Cheezy Puffs and Pastas and Patatoes and Salads and FOOD! Lots and Lots of Food!! Probably a forth of which I ate.... After getting my first plate (of many) I sat down with Shawn and offered him something to eat. I helped him a little bit with his math (really not much though). I hope I see him next semester... Well, I just spent the next hour talking with people (Matt, Laura, Shawn, Sara, some chick I should know the name of by now, some guy, another guy, you know, the usuals.....), getting them food from the back, helping with math, and just overall screwing around. I found out that Matt got 'Tutor of the Year'! Too bad he's leaving after next semester... Yeah, it's almost time for a bloody vacation. Bloody good, bloody great, bloody magnificent, bloody fantastic...I know you must be wondering: why are we were getting a party? Well, it's because we're practically city workers so we should get benefits like city workers! That means we deserve a party after working so hard for those few minutes out of every day! Well, around 4ish, I put down the ham and starting helping people out a bit more "actively" Mmmm.. damn that ham was fine... Got alot of Pre-calc and Calc people today, YES! Even helped two Calc II people! Take that MATH! How you like me now bitch!?
Around 6:00ish Rich came and we tried to do some work. It took me about 20 minutes to fend off the rest of the people to give me some piece and quiet. We really (and I mean REALLY) had no idea how to finish chapter 8.1. It was a bunch of new "house rules" that the book felt like not giving examples of how to actually use. Well, it took us the whole hour to B.S. two whole problems (and it wasn't even good B.S.ing!) and then um... revised (yeah, that's a good word..) our 'study group' sheets.
When we finished our impressive B.S.ing, I had to get back to "working" There weren't many people there now, so I could just relax and eat some more. One person that did come in though was Amanda.
The drive there was uneventful... sorry, no one killed, maimed, or anything like that.
Linear Algebra wasn't that bad. Missed the last class and the teacher got pissed and gave everyone 20 extra credit points for just being there, just to piss me off... love that guy. Talked with Rich, Matt and Charlie as usual. Mr. Musallam was spouting something about linear transformations, ortho-diagnolizing of subspaces and rotating elipses in an orthogonal plane... yada yada yada... Don't worry, it's some bullshit 99.99999999999799999959999998% of the general populus doesn't give a rats ass about. But luckily he doesn't make it boring, and that's a huge plus. Taking Calculus III with him next semester will be great. Luckily he post-poned the due date of our latest homework assignment. We worked on it for a few hours on Friday and Saturday, and it still wasn't done. We completely forgot about the last chapter. Well, we still had to finish our homework so Rich said he'd come around 5 today to finish it.
We left class and I went to the Learning Center to check out a few things. Today, ended up being the staff party they told me about. I thought it was supposed to be on Thursday but I guess I was wrong. Heh, glad I didn't write my name down that I was going to bring chips... Well, to shorten this up a little bit... We had: Chips and Crackers and Honey Glazed Hams and Fried Chicken and Dip and Brownies and Buffalo Wild Wings and Pita and Tabuli and Pizzas and Soups and Candies and Candy Canes and Chocolates and Popcorn Cake Thingies and Cookies and Cheezy Puffs and Pastas and Patatoes and Salads and FOOD! Lots and Lots of Food!! Probably a forth of which I ate.... After getting my first plate (of many) I sat down with Shawn and offered him something to eat. I helped him a little bit with his math (really not much though). I hope I see him next semester... Well, I just spent the next hour talking with people (Matt, Laura, Shawn, Sara, some chick I should know the name of by now, some guy, another guy, you know, the usuals.....), getting them food from the back, helping with math, and just overall screwing around. I found out that Matt got 'Tutor of the Year'! Too bad he's leaving after next semester... Yeah, it's almost time for a bloody vacation. Bloody good, bloody great, bloody magnificent, bloody fantastic...I know you must be wondering: why are we were getting a party? Well, it's because we're practically city workers so we should get benefits like city workers! That means we deserve a party after working so hard for those few minutes out of every day! Well, around 4ish, I put down the ham and starting helping people out a bit more "actively" Mmmm.. damn that ham was fine... Got alot of Pre-calc and Calc people today, YES! Even helped two Calc II people! Take that MATH! How you like me now bitch!?
Around 6:00ish Rich came and we tried to do some work. It took me about 20 minutes to fend off the rest of the people to give me some piece and quiet. We really (and I mean REALLY) had no idea how to finish chapter 8.1. It was a bunch of new "house rules" that the book felt like not giving examples of how to actually use. Well, it took us the whole hour to B.S. two whole problems (and it wasn't even good B.S.ing!) and then um... revised (yeah, that's a good word..) our 'study group' sheets.
When we finished our impressive B.S.ing, I had to get back to "working" There weren't many people there now, so I could just relax and eat some more. One person that did come in though was Amanda.
Another semester, another chance to make some more buddies. I'm bloody ecstatic...
October 29th
A really, really nice day. It was as simple as it could get. Just me and my mom, and I was just reminded, an annoying cat too.. But, another day that proves nice guys finish last, nothing ever changes.
December 25th
For the longest time it stopped. So suprised when I noticed it, really weird feeling. Just the realization of it being gone was phenominal. But today it started again. Not sure why it stopped exactly. Was it stress, sleeping habits, food, what? Just another mystery that I get to ponder on...
December 27th
And those that do claim to check up on this say that I don't write in it. Must be too difficult to scroll down a bit I guess. Yeah, sure... Just too much effort to try at all for them in all honesty. I wish I could expect more out of some people. Now I can say what I want here. No one reads it, so I feel some more freedom here. I can ramble on as much as I want. And most of all, I can be as vaugue or specific as I want, and I don't give a rat's ass what someone would think. Yes, especially that. Just a bit more emotional freedom.
I just hate it how one person can always get under my skin. How she can so easily do that. Really fucking annoying. Easiest thing would always be to remove her from your heart and mind. Just: "looking for my own fucking piece of mind" Funny, I heard that from 3 different sources this week, all at about the same time; from a book, a movie, and a person. Fuck the emotions. People always want easy solutions. I know, I know what I'm saying, more often than not, I do. I always thought, and still do to nearly every extent (except for this one it seems), that, given enough time and thought, you can overcome anything. That's how I've always been. Everything from tests to real life. On almost every math and science test I can remember now, I never really knew the material before the test, but when the test came, I just figured it out. It was always: if this one is True, which I know it is, then given this-this-and-this, this will be true too. Everything is connected, one way or another. Given enough thought, common sence and logic, you should be able to figure anything out. (This is all a repeat of another entry (I know), just wanted to whine/rant/whatever-the-hell-this-is, again). Yes, I know I am posting this for all to see. Of course, and I know, most likely, I, for some reason, want people to see this... no shit. That's why people post blogs. People (including me), do it whether they realize it or not. Even if they say, as Joan often does, that they don't want any compassion, pity, concern, or whatever from others. Humans are built that way... unfortunately. As much as I want, and ohhhhh I do, to bury, or kill, or remove, whatever bothers me, feeling are a bitch to do that to. Whenever I had someone or something bothering me, I did whatever I had to, to make them stop bothering me. Either told them, ignored them, or whatever. Same with things and situations. I always told people, if it bothers you, do something about it. Well, I've been doing shit to this over and over and nothing's been working. No info online, from people, or books help. Well, I'll only tell it to someone if I really trust them, but not everyone is um.. "qualified" for every situation, especially this one. The only person I've ever been able to talk to like that would be Joan, but it's sorta impossible to talk to her at this point, about this to her, not to mention she's the "root" of the problem, and a few other things too... I'm seeing double, I really need some sleep.
Man, I almost feel like saying I want to be back at school again.
God, I hope Mazzie doesn't call me at 10am in the morning like he was planning!!! 4 hours left if I want to sleep. I haven't wasted a night like this for awhile. Downloaded masses of AMV's, rated a few; and wrote some shit both in here and not, now that's the life... I think I should burn them onto a CD, Heh... If anyone would like a copy just IM me... Ha! New meaning to "goes on deaf ears"
Music - "Summer of '69"; "Spirit Never Dies"; "1985"
Janurary 1st & 2nd
I can't stop them, I can't control them, I can't even understand them! Even now, between the moments of hate, I miss her. I'm going nuts! I can't stand her, and then I miss her, WTF?! You know, I've always been saying that if I was a smoker, this would be a perfect time for a cigarette. I think I'm going to start. Mazzie said it calmed him down so why not. Since I can remember, I never wanted to or liked to smoke, drink or do ("stupid") shit of that nature...
Now, I really couldn't give a fuck. All of those are stupid crutches, and I couldn't care less. Fuck, let's pack in some pills and whores too. You live only once. I figure, I'll sin my way through the next few years and then repent a few years before I die, that should even everything out. Hell, all society cares about is your fucking grades and job at this point. As long as I'm getting good grades, let me smoke till I have a fucking hole in my neck. Let's just fuck and screw to our heart's delight. No one cares what kind of person you are. Get good grades and just screw everyone over, in one way or another, doesn't matter.
...but now, I noticed I stopped caring about that once I got it through my head that I can't be with Joan (now wasn't the cheezy and pathetic sounding?). Just doesn't seem to be a point. No one else to do it for, and certianly no reason to do it for myself. Of course I can always force myself to be whatever I want to be, but I don't want to, don't care at all. Not depressed about it, fuck, I'll be sinning to my heart's content. Sins always feel good. Let's just see if I'll be able to sleep calmly then.
I don't feel like myself anymore. (Isn't it a little bit early for a mid-life crisis?)
I just can't stand her sometimes. Some of the things she does just... arg!
"Except when I go to bed at night. I have these stupid fantasies of us talking and sharing everything I wanted with her. When in reality, after many attempts, it always seems so futile. I have to stop living in the past. All of these perfect memories are now just things that end up keeping me awake at night. Everything is different now and that's a fact. I'm different, she's different, the times are different, everything. I know I said all of this before, a bit of déjà vu, but for some reason I can't get it through my head."
Janurary 3rd, 4th & 5th
Stuck in Limbo yet Again
I left about an hour and a half ago. I was walking but going nowhere. I finally sat down somewhere in Clinton Towship. There was a little platform that protruded from the path overlooking the river. It had an elliptical seat in the center where a dozen or so people could sit. It was covered in snow and some people, made a few nice pictures on it; smily faces, hearts and other loving symbols. Ended up staring at it for awhile. Seemed like a shame to mess it up. It'll melt away when the sun'll come out or when someone wanted to sit down, but for now I wanted it to stay. So I laid down on the ground instead and tried to think. Just tried to shake the feeling. So lost in what to do. Nothing's worked. Two decisions keep on flashing in my head. Everyday the same shit pops up, just as before. Two ways to go, but neither seems right. I can't decide. Two opposite extremes, two eventual dead ends.
I just stared at the sky. Just trying to get a moment to relax. Physically relax, mentally relax, emotionally relax, anyone of those would have been a pleasant suprise at that moment. No amount of walking, running, reading, sleeping (especially sleeping), or anything else that you would think should give a little bit of rest was helping. Like a stench you can't get away from; it just keeps on following you. It just slowly get's absorbed into your body. You get used to it. Dulls some sences and you get used to it.
I felt like calling her and not calling her. Good that I had at least some rational thought in me at the moment or else I would have chucked that phone as hard as I could into that river.
And now again, I'm home and I feel the life being sapped from my body. I look at AIM and I wish I could disappear. Just delete Joan from the list again. God dammit, feels like one huge fucking run around. Everything is repeating itself.
I feel like something's choking me from the inside. Not letting me express myself, not letting me think. Always stopping me right before it seems like I'm onto something. I don't seem comfortable in my own skin. I am not myself. I speak not my own voice. It's like I'm stuck right under my skin. Just a millimeter or so under, but it feels so confining. Not the physical feeling of it but more of the mental. All of my creativity is gone. When I try to write something down I can never find the right words. Words that I've used hundreds of times before, now I can't remember. I sound like a 4 year old when I'm reading this or listening to myself talk. I lost some higher thinking fuctions of my brain. And that's just the day.
Janurary 8th
Really3 (Bad + Creepy) = Last Night
My words don't have anymore creativity. I can't express myself at all with them anymore. It feels like my soul is trying to say somethng and it has to go through six or seven layers. When it finally reaches my heart it gets lost in the confusion. Whatever gets to the brain maybe has some or the original feeling/meaning to it, but nearly all of the context has been lost. Oh! And then IF it has to pass through my lips, it's just gargled words then. Reminds me of this one game I played a few times at scouts. We all sat in a circle and the druch (leader-dude-guy) whispered a sentance to one of the scouts and it had to go through everyone. Everyone had to quietly whisper it to the next person and it couldn't be repeated. Each one hears it, and passes it along to the next, never repeating it exactly how he heard it. Until it finally reaches back to where it started and it became some absurd sentance. Yeah, it's alot like that.
So it goes...
Well, luckily it passed a little. It's a bit more subtle now. I can speak for myself a little bit more. Maybe it wasn't even completely that my words were being twisted, maybe it was something like I was "too hard on myself" I probably sounded like I always did, it just didn't sound like it to me. Like I was overcritical of myself or something. Yeah... it still seems like I have a tiny vocabulary right now, but at least it doesn't feel like I'm being choked from the inside-out anymore. Now if I could... hmmm, no I shouldn't go there. Humans always want more, and I've done more than my share of whining recently over some little discomforts. Time to try and fall asleep.
Janurary 13th
Oh boy, Day and Night. Two sides of a coin. Both have their own problems, but it's a whole at the same time. (I hate my analogies, still don't sound like myself)
Absorbed
It feels like my new self is absorbing pieces of my old one. Parts have been supressed for so long now they're hard to remember. Like an old friend you haven't seen for a long time. You start forgetting facail features, hair color, etc., but you always remember how they were, their personality. But some things that I've refused to not forget have been warped into the new personality. Losing myself. Losing the way I want to be. Especially today, I felt so weird. So... not myself. I knew I wasn't myself and I tried as much as I could to shut up. So regretful of my actions from moment to moment. Nothing I did seemed right. So... wrong, just WRONG! I just wanted to stop everything and scream. "Stop! No, it's not supposed to be like this!" Like a dream. One of those dreams that it looks like reality, but there's something wrong. Something you can't put your finger on, but you know it's there. What's in front of your eyes looks real, but around the peripherals, the peripherals of your mind, items look distorted. Except this time it wasn't the items, it was me. Maybe, more of a dream that you can see your body but can't control it. No. Just nothing that I tried to do or say came out how I meant them to. No, that's not it either. They did, and that's the problem. I just wasn't myself. And I really wanted to be for once. No...
I was myself, but I didn't want to be. Not the self that I am now.
It was sorta my last hope that she would bring out the old me again. Instead I was worse than ever. Claudel and Rodin at the DIA
Janurary 28th
I'm not happy. I'm not depressed. I'm just busy. Don't have time to think. Don't have time to feel. Don't have time to act. Probably wouldn't be able to if I had a chance anyway. It took me a week of pondering and 2 days of putting it together to finally be able to post this. Damn is that bad. I can't pick out a single thing from the last few weeks. I just know I went to school and work. Days just pass one by one. "Like sand in a hourglass," to paraphrase a movie or someone. Even today I know I will forget soon, very soon, too soon. Just living from moment to moment I guess. Best idea I have right now on how to explain it. It's like just last year memories, days and times were a bit more sacred, something worth holding onto, remembering. Now,.... I don't know. Can't even think about it. Still can't wrap my head around anything as simple as that anymore. Unless it's something that I can just regurgitate from a book, or it's got some numbers in it, or... I don't know. Heh. Well, here's a story problem then: Tom, with mass of 63.5 kg, runs at a rate of 2.5 m/s into a wall over and over for wasting a year (365.25 days) trying to get over someone without any progress. How long (in days) till he scrambles his head into a million pieces? See, now THAT I can solve.
(to be continued, had something to write about 'friends' or some B.S. like that)
Music - "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd
Feburary 12th
Finished "Blood: The Novel" last night, or rather this morning... Whatever, they're same thing as of recently. Just thought it was worth making a note of. Good book, think I'll read it again, since there's nothing better to do.
Also saw "V for Vendeta" Just another thing worth noting.
That's it, nothing else worth noting. Why? Nothing to write, because I've nothing to say. Why? Nothing to say because nothing's been felt. Why? Nothing's been felt, because... I don't know. Because, nothing's been felt! The end! Socratic questioning: used on myself. Proof, no one know's anything, about anything!
March 19th
A day I need to note, but don't want to remember.
I should have stayed home and listened to music.
People are so dense, I'm no better. I need new friends.
...so stupid, ...so disgusted. Knew what to do but didn't.
Is it wrong that I don't want to? So is it bad that I did?
Whenever you look around, it looks as if humans end up having the same unsavory result. Everyone grows up into the same horrid characters. Are we really better off than when we first started?
We tend to live in a sort of chaos theory, never knowing what the next day will bring, or who's path we may cross. But it seems so familiar at the same time. Almost predictable.
I feel like throwing up. A bit sick.
Mind if I go?
Music I should haved listened to: "Jack and Diane" by John 'Cougar' Mellencamp
April 10th
I had a weird dream last night. Instead of it being just a set of random thoughts strung together by an image or two, it had a plot for once and felt like I had some control over it. It started with me walking through my old high school. I had my hands folded behind my back and I was browsing through all of the graduating pictures that are hung by the main office. I looked older than I really was, maybe around twenty-seven, twenty-eight. I finally got to my graduating year and I starting looking for some old friends when a kid came up to me and started asking questions. He was way too young to go to Stevenson, but I thought that maybe he just seemed that way because I was so old. "Where are you up there?" he asked. "I'm not" I answered. "I'm just a ghost here" I kept on looking and I drowned out his next few questions. I remember replying, but no idea to what. I kept on going and finally got to the 2005-06 graduating year. I stared at it for awhile, lost in thought and memories and I'm not sure if I found what I was looking for or not. Then, I heard him ask me, "Tomek, what are you looking for?" I finally said "One good thing did come out of me staying here. I fell in love here" "How do you know it was love?" he asked. Then it finally came to me who the kid was. It was Kevin, and I remember him asking me the same thing a few weeks ago. "I guess I don't. I just know I still haven't stopped thinking about her" I don't know. I guess no one can till the day they die. Only then can you determine which were the best and the worst days.
Not many things compare to walking at night with a full moon in view and feeling the sharp, cold prickle of wet grass on your naked feet.
May 14th
This'll never be finished. At the least, till the day I die.